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Spike,

I am here to help you determine your problem.

Please answer the following questions for the diagnosis process.

1. Do you drink large amounts of alcohol?

If you answered "yes" to this question please proceed to line # 9.

If you answered "no" to this question please continue to the next line.

2. Do you take drugs?

If you answered "yes" to this question please proceed to line # 10.

If you answered "no" to this question please continue to the next line.

3. Do you spend a lot of time in the sun?

If you answered "yes" to this question please proceed to line # 11.

If you answered "no" to this question please continue to the next line.

4. Do you eat beef?

If you answered "yes" to this question please proceed to line # 12.

If you answered "no" to this question please continue to the next line.

5. Do you eat squirrel brains?

If you answered "yes" to this question please proceed to line # 13.

If you answered "no" to this question please continue to the next line.

6. Do you have flu symptoms?

If you answered "yes" to this question please proceed to line # 14.

If you answered "no" to this question please continue to the next line.

7. Do you have any mental disorders?

If you answered "yes" to this question please proceed to line # 15.

If you answered "no" to this question please continue to the next line.

8. You are normal and this is a crazy world we live in.

Large amounts of alcohol or drugs might help you cope.

9. Please contact Alcoholics Anonymous.

10. Please post your address and I will pick them up and properly dispose of them.

11. After over 40 days of 100F+ temperatures this year you probably have heat stroke. Get plenty of rest in the shade or a cool location and drink plenty of liquids. If the liquids are alcoholic beverages please see line 9.

12. Mad Cow Disease is the commonly used name for Bovine Spongiform Encephalopathy (BSE), a slowly progressive, degenerative, fatal disease affecting the central nervous system of adult cattle.

There is a disease similar to BSE called Creutzfeldt-Jacob Disease (CJD) that is found in people. A variant form of CJD (vCJD) is believed to be caused by eating contaminated beef products from BSE-affected cattle. Please seek medical treatment.

13. Doctors in Kentucky have issued a warning that people should not eat squirrel brains, a regional delicacy, because squirrels may carry a variant of mad cow disease that can be transmitted to humans and is fatal. Please prepare your will and don't bother seeking medical treatment.

14. Novel H1N1 (referred to as "swine flu" early on) is a new influenza virus causing illness in people.

The symptoms of novel H1N1 flu virus in people are similar to the symptoms of seasonal flu and include fever, cough, sore throat, runny or stuffy nose, body aches, headache, chills and fatigue. A significant number of people who have been infected with this virus also have reported diarrhea and vomiting. Also, like seasonal flu, severe illnesses and death has occurred as a result of illness associated with this virus. Please seek medical treatment.

15. Please seek psychiatric treatment.